Friday, 2 May 2014


Sumber dari ruang komen dalam entri, "RON - SAYA ADA "GAY GENE" TETAPI SAYA TETAP LAWAN"

photo hanya hiasan

Hey and a good day. 

I just found out your blog and its really inspirin' me - I mean, RON entry, obviously. Its your second entry I read after another entry thats all bout a guy bein "gay-ed" w/o he noticed it, and its like a wake up call for me. 

Im gay. Yeah thats why Im here, what else right? My story differ from you guys'. I mean, lots of my friends know my sex orientation and only my lil sister. Shes 16 y/o but I do have feelin that she doesnt know what I've been through all this time. Honestly, I've been wantin' for a real relationship. My friends do gimme moral support, but like what most of you guys said, gay feelin never can be changed. 

Some say bein' gay is a choice, then I wonder when they choose to be straight? IDK, but I know that deep down inside of me myself, I never wanted to be like this. This is just some test from Him, maybe. I could say that I have this abnormal feelin' ever since I was kid. So I believe this is not accidentally feelin' that I always make. My friends s'times ask me when would I be a woman lover? and I just say IDK. BUt they didnt mock me. They support me. Im very thankful to have 'em. 

Thinkin' of what would it turn out to be when I've completed my study, that scares me. A lot. I know the fact that one day, I have to get married, no matter what - to a lady, ofc. The problem is I never have a feelin' towards people named WOMEN and I've tried, then I fail. S'times I do think that I dont wanna get into marriage life at all, if this is meant to be.

Talkin' bout family, I do think my third brother knows bout me. I cant recall why, but I have a good feelin' bout it. Actually, I dont really sorta "cant racall" but I refuse to tell you guys, its kinda embarrasin me. Then one day, he happened to notice my ws status. "Ahmad Zahir's <3". But then he immediately ws-ed me and asked who Ahmad Zahir and why theres a love symbol at the back?". I astounded. But I tried to react normal because I know he knows. 

Therefore I confused bout my brother's sex orientation. I cant tell you more because hes my brother and Im afraid of Im humiliatin him. Ahh, btw hes married now and will be a father soon this year, so I dont think its a nice idea for me to tell bout him. Hope you understand.

Yeah, I do have intention to change. Maybe I cant be fully straight but at least I can have my gay lust under control. I may not be like some of you guys, even you are gays, but you do a lot of good deeds. Im different and that makes me shy to say this. 

I dont always do my responsibilities to HIM. I mean, I fast every year - full but in term of payer, I do rarely. Only when Im in my study town, but when Im home in Northen state, I neglect it. Its now my parents to be blamed for this. They do teach me maybe its me who such a rebellion to myself. Dont blame my parents, they had done everything it takes to make me a good son. But its me who the one make it worse. Not to be boastful, but among my siblings, Im the one who always outstanding. I mean, in academic.

Im 19. This year. Im still studyin and will be pursuin my degree this June. Im just like common teens out there (some), I love entertainment, I dyed my hair (is that too bad?), I love to go to club but I've never been there. I love tattoos but I never had mine a permanent one. IDK but I love everything that makes me happy. BUT I DONT DO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

It may sound weird for a Muslim to like those things right? Im sorry but the purpose Im here is to reflect myself and seek for constructive advice from you guys. IKR some of you have entered 30s and that makes you have so much experience when your age were like mine. and ahh, I never have sex since two years ago and I wish to keep it forever.

Hope to hear from you guys soon. Im so grateful to have people like you guys who I believe can guide me. (=

Have a good day,
(Just in case you think I should know your opinion bout me) 


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